Realities (Gross post)

I should give full disclosure that this post is about to get real...

The reason I started this was to answer a lot of questions.
Questions I couldn't even find all the answers to....
And answers to questions, I hadn't even thought of. 

Let's start with one very disgusting reality of having your jaw wired shut. 

1. You CANNOT brush your tongue. 

Think about that for a second. 

It's disgusting. It's true. 

I do have to use a Water Pik (absolute God Send) so I can get little seeds out.

Note: There is a MAJOR difference between 

10 on the variable setting of my VitaMix... and 

HIGH.

High. For a solid minute. Can usually liquify anything. 

Also... major difference between 

"blended v. liquified"

I have to have Liquified

When I was using the water Pik and saw stuff coming out, I was surprised. There isn't much "food" that looks like what was in the sink...

Because it wasn't "food" stuck in my teeth...
it was CRP coming from my TONGUE. 

(almost had to grab my wire cutters for that thought)

Diligence, angles and moving my tongue as well as the water pik helped me get... 

the sides of my tongue

NOT THE MIDDLE...

In hindsight... I'm not sure if it's better to have gotten SOME... or if it's worse now that I can feel where it's clean... and I can feel the freaking RIDGE down the middle where I can't reach..

sick. 

2. Dairy and Bananas help with calories... Not with your regularity.

I need calories. Some people do this on purpose to lose weight, but as I've mentioned, I have a toddler, who is very much like her parents, and doesn't have a slow button. I need energy and I need calories. 

That being said I'm fortunate I'm not lactose intolerant because I can add 

Whole Milk

Whole Milk Yogurt

Ice Cream

Cheese

One of the  "main dishes"
I "enjoy"
(it's all relative)
 is Broccoli Cheddar Soup mixed with Chicken Noodle (helps thin it out)

Bananas are also a great mix because ALL berries have seeds. Even HIGH can't zap them all. 

And so... pooping becomes an infrequent and painful occurrence.

Google the worst foods for constipation...And there you have it. 

I've welcomed Prune juice to the mix, also my tried and true

  Natural Calm

(magnesium - also great for sleep and restless legs. I used it while I was pregnant!)

and the occasional coffee. 

(I've avoided too much coffee thus far because everything has to go directly through my teeth. In addition to trying to avoid too many cavities in this month of non brushing, I'm also not looking to ruin the few teeth I have left by sucking coffee into their pores. However, desperate times have called for Dunkin Donuts Blueberry coffee and I wasn't that upset :)

3. My ruptured Ear Canal had to heal on its own and... all the dried blood had to be coaxed out.

I so wish I had all the pictures from this journey. 

Alas, I only have the most recent one. 

The Ear Nose & Throat folks gave me several hearing tests and concluded from the results that my ear drum was likely in tact, but that I had ruptured my ear Canal instead. 

But no one knew for sure because the entire ear was filled with blood. 

This was also one of the main reasons I chose to risk tens of thousands of dollars on an ambulance ride. 

I felt blood coming out of my ear, which of course your worst fears and all the tv dramas lead you to believe could be your brain bleeding.

So... I put drops in my ear every night and slept on a heating pad hoping it would heal. For a few weeks it literally just felt like a constant ear infection mixed with that terrible feeling you get after swimming and you can't get the water out of your ear. 

Eventually, one day I rolled over after having let the drops sit in there for a good 20 min, laid on the heat pad and was so annoyed I reached in with my pinky nail and tried to see what I could do. After some dainty prodding (it hurt to get in there too deep) I got a little bit of a hold on that sucker and pulled out a big chunk of blood!

But it wasn't over. 

Peter looked in there with one of those little magnifying glasses for your ear and said...there's still a lot in there. 

During the Grammy's the other night (about 2 weeks later) It felt kind of weird in there. People who have equilibrium problems or clogged ears probably  know this feeling. I was bound and determined to get the rest out. I did the same thing. 

Drops

heat pad

 Prod...

This was the SECOND round of blood that I got out. 

But that was IT!! 

And last but not least... You CANNOT WORK OUT. 

I've never been reminded so many times to NOT work out. 

My mom had a hysterectomy and they wanted her walking the next day! 

I'm probably  breaking the rules by walking J Bird to the park. But I can't not do ANYTHING. 

I love to swim. 

Swimming (and smiling) are my favorite (also something I can't do)

Swimming is the #1 thing on the DO NOT DO list. 

I guess breathing is hard enough with your mouth shut and swimming with your mouth shut is extremely dangerous... for so many reasons...

So that sucks. 

However, clench your teeth together and try to breathe normally, let alone if you get winded...

It's pretty damn hard to do. 

And... since my teeth are literally clenched together as hard as my oral surgeon could get them, even if I walk too hard it feels like all my teeth are going to break. 

Initially the pain of walking was so bad I tried walking on my toes all the time, and then relied heavily on my  

Oofos or Hokas. 

So obviously running was out of the question.

But I live in Colorado, it's winter and my two front, broken teeth, are extremely sensitive. So... cold air on them... is unbelievably painful. 

and then... there's this...

This Flu Season is the Worst in Nearly a Decade

-New York Times

In conclusion... I feel like I'm under house arrest. 

Just a few more things you should know, should you ever get your jaw wired shut..

You can't blow on your child's hot food. 

You can lick your lips - so always carry chapstick or vaseline.

You can't cough - so don't get sick .

You can't whistle. 

Super Bowl Sunday might be more torturous than Thanksgiving.